Spirituality

CURRENT EVENTS

Minutes of Love with Mary MARRIED LIFE

Permit me to state at the outset that I have derived much benefit from your interesting review. I have a thorny problem which I would like to submit to you for my own good as well as for the benefit of some others who have the same problem.

I can say, first of all, that I had a very good Christian upbringing. I was faithful to the principles which I was taught and this brought me much peace and happiness. As a girl my dating was always honest though it was not always easy to keep it that way. My husband has a good job and I’m in good health. We have had two children in five years and I am very happy.

However, lurking behind my happiness is a growing cloud, a cloud which is constantly causing me much anxiety. My husband hasn’t the same religious principles as I have, and for him anything is permitted in marriage. You understand? He insists that there be more time between children. He knows that I won’t take “the pill”, but he himself is unwilling to exercise restraint. I don’t turn away from him but I do not want to end up living immorally just to satisfy a craving for pleasure. He is becoming threatening in his demands: “if you don’t give in, I’ll go elsewhere, etc....”

For me marriage is something other than just the union of two bodies in an action become one not permitted by the Church. It is, above all, a union of hearts which becomes strong in an intimacy within the laws laid down.

In my perplexity I went to a priest who advised me that, in order not to lose my husband, I should give in to all his demands; that I should not make of it a case of conscience, and that I could go to Communion without any scruples. Well, I tried this but I suffered even more, for I cannot go to Communion in such a state. What is worse, because of all this I felt a certain disgust for my husband, something I had never experienced before. So I brought him up short. At first he seemed to understand, but now he is starting again, more demanding than ever. Has marriage become something today which aims at reducing woman to the state of a slave of sex and evil? What can I do to save my happiness and be at peace with myself?

Mrs. B.

Considering the context you are living in and your moral formation, which is the guarantee of happiness and peace, you must, for your psychic, psychological and physical balance, seek that solution which will effect in you a development which, in turn, will help you to meet any situation. Essentially you must conserve this fidelity to God and to His laws, for this is the source and insurance of true happiness. More than ever today Christian marriage is being rudely buffeted. The god, Eros, is seeking to supplant the salutary laws of reason and good sense in sex, with unbalanced eroticism.

Also, as you have so well put it, “marriage is, above all, a union of souls and hearts before it is a union of bodies.” The frequent repetition of the marriage act can only result in slavery to passions, and hence to complications, to disgust, if it is not sublimated, above all, through its procreative purpose, always safeguarding a just measure and the spiritual ideal. That which God has instituted is so marvelous! And the man is endowed with reason. If God has ordained that he be constantly active, it is only so that he may always be prepared when the wife, during the fertile period, becomes active in her turn.

Unfortunately, today, love has lamentably lost its true meaning. Love is giving, and not egoism. Has not the woman, in all too many cases, become the slave of the unbridled passions of the man? She has become a thing, a toy. No respect for her condition or state! She is a servant! And so we witness en ever-growing separation of hearts, a progressive separation of minds, because these souls no longer go forward in the same direction.

Such is your case. Do not lose your dignity; do not accept illicit intercourse, but do not rebuff your husband. Let him bear alone the weight of his demands. As for yourself, remain pure so that your soul may strengthen itself with the Eucharist, that source of inestimable strength which will help you to pass through this painful phase.

Love your husband, love that straying soul, and may your constant goodness be a reminder to him of your dignity, of your fidelity to a cause which is dear to you. You will certainly have to suffer, but you may be sure that it is better to have contributed to saving a soul regardless of the demands, than for the two of you to stray away from God under the pretext of saving a union which would already be condemned to failure. You must continue to be the light which will always enlighten not only your husband but your children as well, for they look to you for support and guidance.

Thanks to your courage, your goodness, your dignity, this man will not be able to continue along this marginal path; he will someday be obliged to recognize the strength of your personal convictions and adhere to them himself. He will also be forced to admit that he has not found happiness or true love along the way of unrestrained passion upon which he has embarked.

While this mounting tide of passion brings a sea of trouble, there are men whose heroism in this respect and whose goodness and true love demand attention and some mention. A young father (married three years) generously accepted a prolonged period of voluntary continence in order to allow his wife to regain her strength. “Aren’t you being excessively generous?” he was asked one day. “I have a wife and a child whom I love,” he replied, “what more can I ask for?” Now this is a husband whose love is genuine, who truly understands the value and the richness of Love, for there are days when authentic Love demands a renouncement of love.

As for yourself, Madam, I know you will find a way to draw great benefit from this most difficult period. With the formation you have had you will have the strength to overcome all. Courage! You can save your home in clinging to Him who awaits your answer of Love.

Marie-Paule

(Review L’Armée de Marie, vol. II, no. 2)